Hey Friends - The following is a "Melissa-blog" update on my life this week: (February 24, 2007)
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Short version: I am done in the classroom as a teaching artist, teacher. I am relinquishing my voluntary position directing Juno. I got a job offer to clean homes that pays $20 an hour, using environmentally-friendly products. I'm working on love and art.)
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You all know I'm having a scheduled, metaphoric "emergency c-section" on Monday? Doula /doctor /director Coey has declared that I'm done pushing Juno out, (after this past 6 months), and she's going to lead this next phase of the work. Amen, right!?
That decision and acknowledgment this past Wednesday has inspired some serious movement -- on many fronts. Namely, me identifying that I'm finished in the classroom/ residency-phase of work. That my remaining two teaching artist gigs with Jamie will have to be canceled, or be offered to someone else. And that I'm standing firmly in this space of not facilitating any further work or teaching along these capacity-building lines. And firmly identifying and claiming what I want: To write. And to co-create a loving, transformative partnership with some kick-a-- man.
Call it selfish. Call it burn out. Call it wrong. Call it clarity. Call it gift from God.
It goes hand in hand really with the resolution I've known and experienced in the past years' discernment to leave the classroom, and to work in ways that honors my heart, spirit, what I think God called me here to do on the planet....
Well, the tension, and WAR really that has been taking place in my heart and mind: is that I believe in an overwhelmingly powerful way: that God called me to be a teacher. And, all humility aside, I know I've been blessed to be a very good one. So: to turn my back on the classroom and children, in a way feels like I'm sinning against God. Leaving has felt like I'm not honoring these gifts He/ She/ the Universe gave me to engage and inspire young people.
But: the key question has arisen: AT WHAT COST?
At what cost? What price should I pay, should ANYONE pay -- to do something well, yet not feel fully seen or have the opportunity to experience the transformative effects, the fruits of their labor?
Well, that's Christs' story, right? So: I should be okay with that. If I want to be like Christ.
Right?
Nope.
I'm called to take care of myself. Be healthy, and pay attention to what my heart and body wants more than anything else on the planet: To love well and intentionally inside of one space.....To be faithful, not necessarily successful, as Mother Theresa said...
Well, my faith is taking me into myself. Into my stories, and into smaller circles where I'm not in charge and I'm not having to raise money, mentor someone, or produce anything, other than a cup of coffee.
I announced earlier when the Bush Leadership Fellowship didn't come through that I'd be making my way toward a coffee shop or book store this summer, to earn some cash. Ha! Well, friends: that time is coming sooner than I thought.
As Coey identified, I'm not going to make it to the summer. I cannot sustain this energy any longer. I cannot sustain myself in this volunteer position any longer. The work is necessary, but it'll have to be done by someone else. Noble, but not for me anymore. Well, just not until I can date and marry, have a baby or two, and write...and then, THEN we'll see where I'm at....
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So this storm came. A lot of plans with people fell through. And I find myself in further alignment with how this universe works to surprise and sustain us.
I got clear on all of this, and moved to take action to get a job tonight. I went to get an application at the Open Book Coffee Shop (where TRTM meets at the Loft, right?) Only: they are out of Job applications!
Then I see my girl Anna, who is leaving her position at the Non-profit (where she's EXCELLED -- but still hasn't been fully seen) and she shares with me what she's up to:
"Oh! I started this environmentally friendly cleaning business. It's booming. I want to employ artists at a fair wage, so that they can do the work, see RESULTS from their labor, and then go about making their art. It pays $20 an hour. You interested? It's perfect for writers, as you get to be in other people's homes, see how they live, and you can let your mind work and create while you clean...."
Ha! And within about 5 minutes, she said I could have a job.
I get my own gloves, get to set my own hours, and she takes care of all the billing and supplies, etc.
$20 an hour? doesn't that seem like a good gig?
For this chica who was considering the pouring of coffee or selling of books, I'm thrilled.
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News from my world. This stormy, snowy Saturday eve. (I put "snow plows" in the title to this, before it was even written, and I realize that there aren't any plows even out yet, (well, that I've seen....) I guess I'm simply naming how --in spite of the winter storm-- I'm feeling power to clear roads and the lanes ahead, by simply IMAGINING and WORKING to do...
Love you all,
Prayers, In gratitude,
Melissa
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