Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Discernment of the Day: Grad School or No?

The Following is an Email Letter written to my High School Graduation Class of 1987:
Hey Loves!

So here's a live topic that I suppose I'd welcome your thoughts on....
I'm truly discerning whether or not to go to graduate school this Summer to get my MFA in Creative Writing, Non-fiction.
Normally, please note: that I'd weigh such a large decision with a couple close friends, a confidant or two, perhaps my spiritual advisor, Sr. Mary Margaret....
But: my girl Io is not picking up her phone. My guy David is moving houses - checking out of North Mpls, and heading to the 'burbs, so he's tied up in boxes and transferring his cable service... It's too late to call and talk to Sr. Mary Marg. And: I'm a bit on the sheepish side about ringing up Steve and Beth, after I sent them a copy of my "Loving Mari" Confession....(ack! Maybe I should have warned them?!)

Anywho, dear classmates:

I'm thinking of NOT going to grad school this June - (even if I am accepted.) This idea came to me today, as I started weighing my priorities and saying some novenas to. St. Raphael (patron saint of matchmakers, medical workers, and people who are lost and on a journey.)

I'm thinking of NOT going because:

1. I want to get married. And so dating and creating a life-long partnership is the number one way I want to spend any of my creative energies.

2. I really REALLY want to SEE you guys after 20 years! And if I do get accepted and do go: then I cannot duck out of my program, and be with you all at the reunion. And how often do 20 year reunions happen?!

3. It's actually YOU ALL that are making me think that I might be able to do this writing business - without being in school. Your feedback on some of my reflections - past and present day - have knocked me on my booty - ie, humbled me to no end. This correspondence has helped me imagine that perhaps taking out another $34,000 in loans is not necessary at this juncture.

4. Asking for what I want, read: ASKING SOMEONE TO HELP ME MAKE MY DREAM of MARRIAGE COME TRUE is the SCARIEST and MOST UNREASONABLE thing THAT I CAN IMAGINE DOING AT THIS JUNCTURE. (I mean: It defies all the rules I was raised on: Borgmanns are not weak people! We do for ourselves! Being needy is wrong! A sin! To require help, or to be vulnerable is to commit a grave error.) This ring any bells for anyone?! God bless my family! I love them so much!)

I think it's a Law of the Universe, though: that to make things come to fruition, To bring forward our lives' goals, destinies: we must INVITE A PARTNER! Who creates anything by themselves? And to achieve a transformed space/ life, we have to go against all notions of the REASONABLE. In other words: we invite the UNREASONABLE in, and then trust that if it's the Will of God, Love, it shall manifest. Yes?.

So: Before your very eyes, with you blessed souls, this what I'm deciding: The UNREASONABLE thing of NOT Going to School; sticking around to date a guy or two, and RECEIVE this partner into my life; and write here with my local writing group. (Now don't go and start poking holes in my thinking by saying that graduate school is where my husband is! I've gone to graduate school already - and didn't find him there the first time. I don't think God wants me to go into that much more debt to secure a partner. In fact: a partner of some financial means would be most welcome!!)

Next question: how is Melissa going to pay her bills, then, while she dates and writes and waits? That's the next installment of stories: "Two Bettys and A Broom" is what it's called. haha!

Thanks for letting me vent and rant and wonder and question and discern with all of you!!!
I so appreciate your loving support and virtual presence this past month of my life! To say nothing of the last 20+ years!

Love, Peace,

1 comment:

Emily Lilja said...

Right on.

I really believe that when we commit ourselves to move in a particular direction, the universe moves with us. It sure worked for me this spring! ;) You go ahead & make the choice that is right for you - commit to it - and it will come.

Faith the size of a mustard seed, baby! :)